We are closing out Autism Awareness Month, celebrated annually throughout April, with a post from two members of our Speek team—one is the parent of an autism- and ADHD-diagnosed child and the other is a clinical psychologist who has supported many families with neurodivergent children. Autism Awareness Month is a global initiative focused on promoting understanding, acceptance, and inclusion for autistic people. It aims to raise awareness about autism, celebrate the diverse perspectives and contributions of autistic individuals, and foster a society where they are supported and empowered.
Haemi: I met our two children when our oldest was six. Becoming their stepmum came with a steep learning curve of school drop-offs, themed birthday parties, Peppa Pig and the Oi Frog series.
Our oldest was diagnosed with autism and ADHD last year. While this has come with some particular challenges, it’s also come with some personal enlightenment for me. The more I let myself see the world from his eyes, the more I see his viewpoint as refreshingly human. I notice how much of myself has been shaped—sometimes limited—by social conditioning. Through him, I’ve come to see that his diagnoses, which are often labelled “deficits”, might actually be a kind of unfiltered clarity.
When I try to understand how he experiences the world, I often have to rewind my own mind—back to when I was a young child. Back to when I was allowed to be big with my emotions, before I learned which parts of myself were easier for the world to accept.
Our child’s brain is processing the same world and cues that all of us do. But he does so without the filter, without the performance—rather he is revealing the humanity of it. He knows intuitively and reacts when his environment is impacting his mood (lights are too bright, area too crowded and loud), and when we notice, we can change location or elements in the environment. While I’ve learned to tolerate discomfort silently and let the impact accumulate and cause shortness in interactions with those around me. For example, it took some very attentive friends to notice and point out to me in my mid-30s that walking down busy city streets gives me a lot of anxiety. In his honest reactions, our child reminds us that discomfort doesn’t have to be hidden or minimised, it can be acknowledged and acted upon.
Tamara: To clarify, the steps of this emotional regulation process are: naming and validating emotions, making space for emotional needs, being assertive in expressing those needs, and (self) soothing.
Haemi: If we learn from seeing the world as he and other autistic people do, we may gain skills and insights along the way. He’s teaching all of us in his family to live with more authenticity, and I truly believe we’re becoming better people because of it.
What are Autism and Other Neurodiverse Conditions?
Tamara: Neurodiversity refers to the natural differences in how human brains work. Just like we all look different, we also think, learn, and process the world in unique ways. Conditions like autism, ADHD, and dyslexia fall under the neurodiversity umbrella.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is one form of neurodivergence. Some common characteristics of autism include challenges with social communication and interaction, stereotyped behaviours and sensory processing. Importantly, autism can also come with strengths, such as deep focus (also referred to as hyper-fixation), attention to detail, strong memory skills, and creativity. Autism is a spectrum, meaning that the condition affects individuals differently, and there is a wide range of presentation.
Autism often coexists with other neuro-developmental and mental health challenges, such as ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Given that neurodiverse people find themselves in a world made for the ‘typical’ population, they struggle more with day to day living which results in challenges managing their emotions; what we will refer to as emotional dys-regulation. By understanding these differences and making thoughtful accommodations, we can create a world where both neurotypical and neurodivergent people can thrive—together.
Clear and Genuine Communication
Haemi: Autistic individuals often interpret small talk as being dishonest. This can include: “How are you?” by someone who doesn’t actually want to know, “We should hang out sometime!” when there’s no intention of following through, compliments like “I love your outfit!” that feel forced or insincere.
Our child isn’t particularly reactive to small talk just yet, but he’s incredibly attuned to authenticity. If we’re saying something to soothe him in a difficult situation—like “It’s fine” or “Don’t worry”—but our tone or body language betrays anxiety, he knows. He picks up on that emotional dissonance instantly.
Tamara: Research has shown that some autistic people are highly attuned to nonverbal communications and can pick up on when there are differences between verbal and non verbal communication.
Haemi: In the beginning, we tried to reassure him with calm voices and “everything’s under control”, thinking it would help him feel safe. But it didn’t. Instead, he felt invalidated—like what he was sensing wasn’t real, or worse, that it was somehow his fault.
Over time, we’ve learned something important: he needs clarity, but don’t we all? He doesn’t do pretence. He doesn’t do vague. If something feels off, he’ll ask about it or react to it. And if we try to hide what we’re feeling, it just creates more confusion for him.
Tamara: Autistic people can have more challenges when dealing with uncertainty. Their brain is more wired to black and white thinking and uncertainty can lead to emotional dys-regulation as their brain likes order and prediction in order to manage day to day life.
Haemi: Alternatively, his emotional expressions are often like a carbon monoxide alarm. And that alarm goes off for a reason. It’s not the problem; it’s a signal. He’s sensing something amiss in the emotional environment, and rather than ignoring it, we’re learning to listen since his brain can often pick up on things that all of us around him have missed. There’s clarity, honesty, and an emotional efficiency in how neurodiverse people communicate that the rest of us could learn from.
We’ve learned to become more honest about our own emotions—not in a way that places our burden on him, but in a way that affirms his intuition. “You’re right, this situation is a bit tricky, and I am feeling a bit stressed. But it’s not your job to fix it, and I’m going to be okay.” That kind of transparency has helped him settle, because now the unpredictability is resolved and the world makes sense again. We also now make regular use of the emotional regulation traffic light system that they teach in his school (this framework is called “Zones of Regulation”), which allows the expression of emotional needs without needing to name the specific emotion. If I tell him, “You’re right, I’m feeling green/yellow/red right now,” that’s all he needs to hear to understand the situation. It also allows him to express his own emotional regulation needs when he might not have the words.
Tamara: Many parents fear sharing their emotions with their kids. It’s okay to share how we feel with our kids, however what they want and need the most is to know that we know how to manage our own emotions, so saying, “Mummy is feeling stressed but she will do ‘x’ to feel less stressed” will reassure them and teach them by modelling that we can regulate our emotions. It’s also okay to share with your kids that emotions can be tricky for everyone and that even parents can also be a bit clumsy with them. We’re all only human.
Haemi: And it’s not just helping him—it’s helping us. His directness, his honesty, his refusal to pretend… it’s teaching us to do the same. To say what we mean and to mean what we say. In a world that often teaches us to hide behind niceties, parenting a neurodiverse child has reminded us just how valuable real, clear, genuine communication can be.
Understanding Your Feelings and Regulating Them
Haemi: Another lesson I’ve learned from our neurodivergent child is the importance of emotional awareness and regulation, not just for him, but for all of us. Our child can feel everything, the full range of emotions–even the ones I have learned over time to suppress–and many many at once. He has this incredible raw vulnerability–something we see as a huge strength.
Tamara: Emotional regulation is the ability to recognise, understand, and manage our emotions in ways that help us respond to situations effectively. It involves knowing how to sooth ourselves when we’re upset, express feelings in appropriate ways, and adapt our emotional responses to different situations, environments, and challenges.
Emotional regulation doesn’t come easily to everyone, and for many neurodivergent individuals, it’s something that has to be intentionally learned and practiced in a way that works for them.
Haemi: As any parent with a neurodivergent child knows, and the research will confirm, this territory can come with periods of emotional overwhelm and dys-regulation. What if instead of treating these as inconvenient and distressing, we took them for what they were, a way of communicating that something feels confusing, overwhelming or unpredictable–that something is out of tune with their view of the world?
I found myself having to relearn a range of some of the milder iterations of negative emotions, including disappointment and frustration. The truth is, I’ve spent much of my life trying to downplay discomfort. The phrase “it’s fine” with a forced smile has been my go-to reaction when others were around, pushing down feelings that I didn’t feel the expression of would be socially acceptable.
Think of it like this: Have you ever invested time and energy into planning a special trip with friends, and then it doesn’t go as planned and people don’t seem to be having a good time? There’s a certain level of disappointment that’s hard to express in a socially acceptable way. “It’s fine, I’m fine,” we say, when really we are crushed inside.
Tamara: Some neuro-typicals may have more compliant personalities, and both neurodivergent and neurotypical people may experience emotions that we can’t exactly find a way to express. By the way, this inability to express emotions in words is a psychological condition called alexithymia, and it’s typically present more in people with autism, depression, and PTSD. Here’s where the importance of learning to assertively communicate our emotions comes in. We first need to understand what we are feeling in order to be able to do something to manage them. Brushing them off with an “I am fine” can lead to avoidance, which can lead to anxiety disorders, or passive aggression.
Haemi: It has been an interesting colliding of worlds in our home between our incredibly emotionally attuned child and his father who grew up in a time when emotional vulnerability wasn’t valued. When he was younger, the father’s best friend died of sudden and traumatic circumstances, and he was offered therapy. His family declined the services believing that they were meant for those with severe psychological or psychiatric needs, potentially requiring hospitalisation. Now in his 40s, he’s now learning that it’s okay to feel and to seek ways to soothe yourself. Parenting our child has opened up new avenues for him to express and regulate emotions—something he never had the space to do growing up. He’s learning to feel the range of emotions by witnessing our child’s raw vulnerability. That’s pretty cool if you ask me.
While we have been seeing a psychological revolution, and we are seeing a greater emphasis on teaching skills like emotional regulation in schools, most of us parents didn’t get the benefit of this formal education. For children to develop and be more emotionally literate, they need literate parents, systems and communities from which they can learn, especially from modelling. And it’s up to us to accelerate our own learning to further support theirs.
When I look at our child, while I know he may encounter some additional road blocks and difficulties along the way, I know he will always be true to himself and live his life genuinely. And this gives me a great amount of pride and comfort.
How Speek can answer this
At Speek we are proud to offer family-inclusive therapy. We offer both parent centred courses to help support children, and courses for both a young person and their parent where both can learn psychological and emotional skills together.
We currently support young people who experience difficulties with self-harm. Emotional dys-regulation is a common experience among both neurodivergent individuals and those who engage in self-harm, so it’s understandable that many of the young people we work with identify as neurodivergent. We are continuing to expand our services to support a broader range of neuro-developmental profiles and emotional needs.
Speek offers essential skills like mindfulness, distress tolerance, and emotion validation, fostering an environment where both children and parents can express and manage their emotions without judgment. Our evidence-based platform helps families build resilience together. We collaborate with schools, healthcare professionals, and mental health providers to ensure young people have access to the right support when needed.
There is an urgent need to equip young people with the emotional skills and psychological tools to navigate life’s challenges—so they’re not left to manage overwhelming experiences alone. As we build a more inclusive and understanding society, it’s essential that both neurodivergent and neuro-normalised young people have access to support that helps them regulate emotions, build resilience, and stay connected to their sense of self.
About the Authors:
Tamara Licht-Musso is an HCPC-accredited Clinical and Counselling Psychologist and a BPS-Chartered Clinical Psychologist. She works with children, young people, adults and families, providing therapeutic interventions rooted in DBT, CBT, and psychodynamic principles. Tamara has extensive experience in both NHS settings, including IAPT and CAMHS services, and private practice. She takes an open-minded, client-centred approach, tailoring therapy to meet each client’s unique needs as they navigate their therapeutic journey.
Haemi Shin works in Partnerships and Strategy for Speek Health. She is the step-mum of two children.
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